I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
