the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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