my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
