it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
