Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
