omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
