in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
