Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
