you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't think brook has ever known best
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
