It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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