Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
