and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
