It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
