Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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