ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
