this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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