I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
