I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
