I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
