Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
