Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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