So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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