so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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