I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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