I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
