Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
