just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize