nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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