I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
