it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
