The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
