well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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