He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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