Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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