Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
