If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my shit smells like andre
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize