Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
