Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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