this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
