Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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