Im at strip club and am horny
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
