i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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