well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
