he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
