My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
