She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
