He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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