Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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