Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
