If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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