I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
