I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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