You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
