My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
