wanna go halves on a baby?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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