He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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