Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
