im about as happy as oj after his trial
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
