I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
