I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
