bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
