Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
