dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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