is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
